I had to go for an ultrasound last week.
A super-ultrasound.
In celebration of "Ryan gets a super-ultrasound Day".
It was the latest tactic prescribed by my doctor in the on-going search for evil dictators who are living somewhere in my body. Who dictate that I must be sick.
The directions for my super-ultrasound were as follows:
1) Drink a lot of water.
2) If you think you've drunken enough water, you are stupid. Drink more.
3) Waddle up to the hospital while being sure not to spill any of the precious water that is now filling your bladder.
4) Wander around the hospital that seems (for once) to be filled with bathrooms. Everywhere you look there are bathrooms. There are not, however, any super-ultrasound rooms unless you think to look behind the door that says: Cat-scans. This is where they keep the super-ultrasound machine.
5) Sit in the waiting-room until your bladder is "really full". If you think your bladder is already "really full" you are stupid. Wait some more.
6) Go into the little room with the nice lady who keeps "forgetting" that she speaks english and after asking you nicely to open your pants, walks behind you and snaps her rubber gloves while giving you directions in russian. Do not panic. Super-ultrasound machines can smell fear. Besides, you may pee your pants.
7) Lie down on a table and let the nice lady cover your stomach with what you swear is mayonnaise that she just, one second ago, took out of the fridge. Try not to pee your pants.
8) Continue trying not to pee your pants as the nice lady uses the Super-ultrasound wand to prod your bladder. At this point you should not, under any circumstances, think about water balloons.
9) To take your mind off of the impending "accident" that you're about to have, trying having a little fun. Ask the nice lady if it's a boy or a girl. She won't get the joke, and you'll feel silly, but not as silly as if you had just peed your pants.
10) Get up, wipe off the mayonnaise, go pee.
11) Continue peeing.
12) (see number 11)
13) Go back to see the nice lady who will then scan your kidneys and send you home.

Doesn't that sound like fun? And as a bonus I now have pictures of my bladder and kidneys. fun. The camera just loves my right kidney. You can all see them as soon as I can find a scanner.
And the best part of the whole experience? According to my results:
"The kidneys are of normal dimensions and location. The relationship between
the cortex and the parenchyma are preserved.  There is no evidence of
hydronephrosis nor of pathological calcification.  The urinary bladder was
well viewed and its boundaries are normal.  The prostate is of normal
position and echogeneity."

So it looks like my cortex and my parenchyma won't be breaking up after all! Isn't medical science-love beautiful?