Departure Lounge: a little house keeping
Well.
I sure never thought I'd see the day when my blog comments were highjacked by my frequent readers, but that's just what seems to have happened.
So I'm going to try to straighten this whole mess out.
(For those of you out of the loop, you can catch up here.)
It all started when the dear Mr. and Mrs. Ishikawa left Israel for a little R&R in australia. Ever one to take advantage of my friends, I offered to house sit for them (and their large DVD collection). But I knew that competition was going to be pretty tough for the coveted slot, so I submitted what I thought was a pretty killer resume:
(I've deleted my contact info to thwart my many stalkers)
Career Goal:
To be the best damned house sitter this world has ever seen.
Employment
Frequent visitor to the Ishikawa residence, October 2003 – present
While not employment per se, I feel I have performed well as a frequent guest in the Ishikawa home, perfectly balancing graceful acceptance of their hospitality with the occasional washed dish or fetched desert. Also, as a regular visitor to their home, I have the advantage of knowing the location of all hot beverages and board games, always a key for entertaining guests. You may rest assured that your busy, yet understated, social schedule will not have to stop just because you’ve left the country.
House sitter for M and M (last name omitted). November 2004
For this grueling assignment, while I wasn’t wielding M’s giant cleaver in the kitchen during the hosting of many a dinner party, I was forced to relax in front of the giant video projector, viewing all manner of foreign cinematic treats. Also, I tidied up.
Lived in Many Houses for Brief Periods of Time 1999 – present
During the past few years, I have routinely made myself at home quite quickly in a variety of domiciles for brief periods, while at the same time, never failing to appreciate the uniqueness and occasional luxury my temporary surroundings offered. I expect that this skill of mine, especially in the area of luxury appreciation, shall be put to good use during my proposed sojourn in your flat.
Education and skills
While I have no “formal” education in this arena, I have gathered many skills through my varied life experience that you will find make me perfect for this position. A small sample:
- Many years of working in photographic darkrooms mean that I am well adept at moving about in dark areas. Should the power go out during your absence, you can be sure I will keep my head about me.
- As a professional photographer (especially one with journalistic training) you can count on me to provide more than adequate documentation of any floods, fires, burglaries or politically motivated sit-ins that may occur during your holiday.
- My vast experience of sampling exotic dishes from all corners of the globe will allow me to keep your refrigerator clean and clear of any and all foods that may pass their prime before your return.
- One time, during a hike through the wild jungles of South West Cameroon, ravaged by flesh eating insects and delirious with fever, as my mind swam in and out of consciousness while I tried lamely to keep up with the pygmy guide who was carrying all of my beloved cameras on his head through raging streams and over the enormous roots of towering trees, in one brief moment of clarity I thought to myself: “Oh what I wouldn’t give to be stretched out on a comfortable sofa, sipping a nice warm cup of tea and enjoying a fine film on a rainy afternoon!” Now, weather permitting, I could achieve that long-cherished dream in your flat.
The Man for the Job
In conclusion, Mr. and Mrs. Ishikawa, I feel that I have demonstrated myself to be willing and more than able to provide the careful yet confident, thorough yet not overbearing, nurturing yet firm flat-sitting that your flat deserves. When you ask yourselves, as I know you are, “unto which handsome and dashing young individual can we possibly entrust the proper care and supervision of our flat?” I know you will see that the only right answer is right in front of you.
References available upon request
Now, as you may expect, I was hired immediately for ten days of glorious, DVD rich, house sitting. The only catch was that I had to take care of the fish, and Mr Ishikawa has a beautiful and dearly loved collection of little fishes.
So every evening I would count out the little pinches of flakes and pellets of food for the dearly loved (though not by me) little fishes, and every morning I would run to the tank and do a head count, praying that they all survived the night. And they did. So far so good.
Which brings us to my last day of house sitting. My dear photo friend from Canada was in town for a visit (that's "shutterbabe" in the comments there) so I was out for most of the afternoon. I planned to go back to the flat in the evening, tidy up, feed the fish and get ready for the Ishikawas' return the next morning. Of course, when I open the door that evening what did I find? Suitcases on the floor and Ishikawa holiday paraphernalia strewn about the room, that's what. They tricked me. They snuck back into the country early, only to find unwashed dishes in the sink and stacks of DVDs all over the place.
And to top it all off, one of their fish had committed suicide earlier in the day (is it my fault they kept the poor thing locked away in a tank all time, swimming around and around in water that other fish were pooping in? Is it too hard to take them out for a walk every once in a while? I'm just sayin'...)
So now they think I'm a messy fish killer. And they're taking it out on my blog. I can't wait until baby Ishikawa is born, then a few years from now when s/he does daddy a favor by washing the inside of the tank with windex while all the fish are still in it, they'll long for the days of my house sitting. ha.
